Dear Spiderman
By Christabelle Coutinho |Calling out to Spiderman. Or Peter Parker. Whatever you like to call yourself. This is the Mayor of your city ordering you to suspend all your world-saving shenanigans with immediate effect.
We are grateful for your assistance in controlling crime but right now our prisons are full. We have no more room for criminals ... especially those shape-shifting creatures that you like to lock horns with. So, please stop turning them in.
We’ve exhausted all our tax money on the upkeep of our prisoners. Did you ever stop to consider what a burden they are to our prison chefs? Last year alone, our prisoners drew up a bill for 25,000 kilos of ghee, two truckloads of rice, dal and 200 goats. Our prisons have turned into Hell’s Kitchen. Don’t even get me started on the disgusting monster poo your enemies leave behind for us to clean.
It is our humble request that you leave the criminals alone. Their karma will catch up with them one day. In the meantime I hope you haven’t forgotten your responsibility. Remember? With great power comes......?
As per our records, you are responsible for fixing back the glass windows of 320 buildings that were shattered during your many public brawls with the Lizard, Sandman and Green Goblin. After that you have to patch up and tar all the monster-sized holes in our roads created during your pow-wows with those other wackos – Mysterio and Venom. Here is a list of all the fines you’ve incurred for breaking traffic rules - swinging through red lights and changing lanes. What’s this? Ahem! Complaints of you peeping into houses during your nightly jaunts? Tsk tsk. (shoot a disapproving look).
If you truly want to clean up all the filth in this city and be our hero, take this (hand out a broom) and start by cleaning up all the cobwebs you’ve left up there. (point to the ceiling)
The above monologue may not be reproduced commercially without the permission of Christabelle Coutinho.
